Doing business with Uncle Sam
By Herb Drill
U.S. Government figures allege that productivity is rising. If that’s the case - which I question - I contend the U.S. rates of incompetence and employee ignorance/malfeasance are up, too.
If you’re planning to do business with a U.S. Government agency, perhaps you should bear in mind some actual quotes taken from Federal Government performance evaluations. To wit:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." – Maybe the employee is looking for union boss Jimmy Hoffa, who is STILL missing.
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." – How about being cloned?
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be." – But if that employee has a “core” friend, watch that person rise to management.
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." – Hey, gang, here’s someone with initiative.
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." – Did her boss, or husband, say that?
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." – We’ll bet she has great legs.
8. "He sets low personal standards and then fails consistently to achieve them." – Now there’s a real comer.
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." – Must be the district manager’s son.
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." - Cancel one retirement party, guys.
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together." – Also, the employee is several brick short of a load.
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." – Call the Mayo Clinic, quickly.
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." – That person better go to the coffee room backwards.
14. "He would argue with a signpost." – Have you ever met a man who would ask for directions?
15. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." – Isn’t that around Martha’s favorite number?
16. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." – He was in a hurry to work for Enron.
17. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." – Is this a former employee of Amtrak?