A Mother's Passing/A Daugher's Pain
The end of the beginning all came down on top of my head about 3 years ago. My dad came into my house and without emotion let me know that my mama had almost died this morning and if she didn't quit smoking she would be dead in 6 months. At this time I was working on the phones taking orders for a popular clothes retailer and going to college taking up psychology to go for my bachelors and then my masters. I was planning to help people with drug and alcohol problems.
Mom's diagnosis at this point was Chronic Bronchitis, Athsma, COPD and Emphysema. Mom went home, to her house-a 45min drive, and everything seemed to go on as normal. She quit smoking and I managed to do the same so that I wouldn't be a temptation to her. I was trying to spend more time with her but this was difficult with school and work.
The time finally came when she got so sick that she could no longer care for herself. I knew that it was my time to step in as I was her only living child. I cut all of my loose ends, summer college was just ending so there was no problem there. For a while I continued to work. Everytime she went into the hospital they added on new diagnoses. Now she had all of the above plus osteoporosis, diabetes, and lung cancer. Just keeping up with her medications took a juggling act from hades! Every 4 hours this and every 2 hours that. I didn't mind it was just that when she would finally get to sleep-which was no easy task-I would have to wake her up. Poor thing, she was real good about it until they put her on liquid morphine. She was taking the liquid Morphine along with MS Contin and Duralgesic Patches. She was still in a lot of pain!!! There were many times that it ran through my mind to turn her oxygen up and give her a little extra liquid morphine. Alas, it was not my call, that was left up to someone much wiser than me!
All during the care of my mother my back had begun to hurt more and more. I would lay crying silently, well into the night with too much pain to sleep. I was almost glad for the sleepless nights when me and mama would talk for hours on end! I am so glad that I had this time and I wouldn't go back and change a thing unless I could change her death. Mama was in and out of hospitals quite a bit and now I was her mascot. No, the nurses didn't run me out! Why would they? I filled her ice pail, kept her cup filled with ice water, bathed her, changed her bed, helped her to the bathroom (potty), gave her sponge baths, changed her diapers and whenever she would eat I would be right there helping her out! The nurses loved me!!!
Finally after many procedures including putting a tube into her lung to relieve the liquid building up. (they missed te first time and the second, they finally gave up and said they couldn't perform this procedure!) Chemotherapy, which if you ask me was a big joke, unless they saw something that I didn't! I didn't see any improvement, just blls. Then one day her PCP came in with this look on his face and I new that this was it. They said that they could no longer do anything for her but make her comfortable and they would suggest that I put her into the English buildng of that Hospital. The English building was like a mini death ward. They kept the "dying without hope and we can't get much more money out of you", patients here.
I took her home and was forced to quit work due to the pain in my back! My husband dragged me away from mama long enough to see a doctor. He requested a CAT scan. He suspected a slipped disk. I refused to leave my mama's side until after she died which came on Oct. 16, 2001. She was buried on her birthday 3 days later.
Then I went and had all of the test that they wanted. The cat scan revealed more than 1 slipped disc and the doctor didn't tell me at that time but I had advanced arthritis in my spine. (How can they have a dianosis and not tell you?)
From here I was sent to a specialist. He sent me for a MRI and redid the xrays that had been done. He wanted to know if they had been done standing or laying, laying. He did them standing. I had the MRI and the big day came for all of the results. I had 4 obliterated discs, arthritis of he spine, Degenerative Disc Disease and possible Rheumatory Arthritis. He sent me to another doctor to have 3 epidurals. (only 2 were perfomed because I was getting no relief from them.) So I went back to this Doc and he refers me to another doctor because there is nothing else he can do for me. I go to the new doctor, supposed to be one of the best in his field. He performed 4 facet blocks on me and when he performed the last one he told me that I had to walk out of the office on my own 2 feet. Okay Doc, if that's what you really want. So I did, kept my hands on my wheelchair with my husband helping me and I barely made it to that car!!! A couple of weeks later I go in and he says well how did you feel and my answer was "when you made me walk out it felt like you had left some needles or something sharp in my back, are you sure you got everything our?" He stood there shaking his head, so I thought something was really wrong! Apparently, I wasn't supposed to feel anything while I was walking out of his office! I thought that was somehow ironic, although I was extremely upset when he told me that there was nothing more he could do! He reffered me to a pain specialist at UVA (
Well that puts me pretty much up to date. I am waiting to get caught up on some of these bills so that I can go and see some of the doctors that I have been referred to. It is hard managing 4 people on one person's income. But I'm sure that all of you know what I'm talking about!!! Some days I need help getting to the bathroom and some days I can make it okay. My husband likes to take me out once a week, it is very difficult for me but that is what he wants and I would not dare to turn him down. I just take a few meds early and I have to ride in my wheelchair everywhere we go. If he keeps me out too long I get really sick. But I still don't say anything! Ahhhhh, the things we do for love!!!
Brightest Blessings and Gentle Healing!!
~GroundedButterfly~